2 posts tagged “marriage”

Oh my!  I guess life has been a bit crazy for me.  I didn't get my jeep back until Friday.  Nearly a whole week without it...I hated being a one car family - although sometimes I think that would be good for us; at least financially.  In the last 6 weeks I think we've racked up nearly $2K in automobile repairs.  Thank goodness our mechanic lets us make payments on the work!!!

There has been much I've wanted to blog about and haven't had the time.  I also haven't really been able to decide where to blog it at.  My "real" identity; my sex blog or this blog, which is also "real" but not one where the whole world who knows me in real life can read about what is going on.  I finally decided that this is the place to blog about what is going on.  I may throw some details into one of the other blogs at some point; but some of it I just don't want to share with the entire world, yet I need to write about it and get it out of me so I can move on and deal with it.  I'll be back later to finish this post...dinner is on the stove and I have to watch over that.

Stop time at 7:15 p.m.
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Starting again at 10:52 p.m.

I've been terribly unhappy in my marriage as of late.  The differences are becoming increasingly difficult to deal with.  Last weekend when we stopped at the state forest preserve on our way home from The Poet's, there were a couple of times that I just stopped in the middle of the trail, spread my arms open wide and inhaled deeply.  I quietly listened to the sounds of the wind through the trees - it sounded almost like a waterfall.  I found true solace and peace in those moments.  Each time though, he wanted to rush me through the moment.  I felt incredibly invaded upon and as if he just didn't understand what moments like that mean to me since they are so rare. 

Our differences stem from every aspect of our lives.  Politically, morally, how we were raised, how we believe children should be raised, how men should be and how women should be, sexual appetites, sexual fantasies - okay, almost everything sexual - choices in reading material, sleep schedules, which exercise is best for a person.  You name it, we differ on it. 

Last night we had the night to ourselves.  This isn't incredibly extraordinary as TWH spends every other week with her Dad, but it was unique in that it was a Saturday night that we could take advantage of.  I even told him to stay at the office until 10:30.  I did tell him though that when he came home he should have his mind adjusted to passion and intimacy.  Well, intimacy happened; not much passion though.  It was disappointing to me and I shed a few tears because I can't touch him in ways that I would like to.  He is incredibly ticklish and if the touch or kiss or lick doesn't tickle him, then it is "weird" in his opinion.  I miss touching a man all over.  Without consumating the night, he was snoring after about an hour of cuddling.  I thought about masturbating, but I had been doing that all week and wasn't really interested in that last night.  I wanted to be taken and had by my husband in ways that I haven't been for quite a while.

Mornings are usually good for sex around here; especially on weekends.  We woke this morning and tried to start over.  I was already upset about the previous night, but I really made the effort to work my way through those feelings.  But he wasn't responding to me and quite honestly my body wasn't responding to him either.  I wanted it to, desperately.  I finally pulled away from him and he could see the tears welling up in my eyes.  I asked if he was punishing me again.  He does use sex as a weapon.  And I thought that was a woman's tool; although I myself have never used it.  He told me that he wasn't; but that it was hard for him to be sexual with me when he is almost always angry at our situation.  He told me all the things he is angry about:  finances; our differences; his work.  The man is easiy distracted and I try very hard to keep the problems of home away from him so that he does not lose his focus on work.  His job is already in jeopardy and he really needs to put his energies into that.  I tried to explain that to him.  He feels like we never talk anymore.  How can we talk when he works so many hours?  He told me that sometimes he thinks we would be better apart.  I told him that I thought that sometimes too.  It's true.  I do.  I think in some ways we would both be happier.  But, as I told him, there is something that won't let us be apart - a strong and abiding love for one another that just won't let go.  I told him all the reasons that I am angry with him as well:  I often always feel as if I am being judged by him for everything I say and/or do; our sex life; that he cannot accept that we are different and live with those differences rather than always trying to change who I am; that we cannot have a conversation about the things I need to talk about with him, the things that are important to me without his work being brought into it or some obscure thought like, "I really need to take a picture of the corn field" coming from his mouth while I am trying to express myself and have a conversation about what really matters in life, or at least to me.  How can I want to talk to him when it always revolves around his work and never about me or us or just life?

I cried a lot.  I had woken up with a killer sinus headache and the crying only made it worse.  The conversation was both painful and cathartic.  I don't know if the talk will make any difference in how we appreciate and view one another.  But the lovemaking afterwards was pretty damn good.  Make up sex is always amazing.

As he entered me, he had a nipple in his mouth and my lips were kissing his tiny ears; my arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders.  I could feel his hairy chest moving against my own smooth breasts as he brought his mouth to mine to kiss me.  I love when he kisses me while he is inside of me.  There is definitely something to be said for the missionary position.  He began kissing my neck and while I longed deeply for him to use more tongue and lick some, I didn't have the courage to ask as we were "making up".  Still, I had a gentle, but powerful, orgasm.  It wasn't long before he had his own and when he finished, he began working his way down my body.  I told him he didn't have to do that.  Licking the kitty is not his favorite thing to do.  And to be honest, he isn't the best at it.  He is the type of man to go straight for the hot button and is not much on tempting and teasing.  But when he did stray I made sure to make a moan and soon enough he had me rising up to meet his mouth and grabbing ahold of the headboard.  As I started to come down, he started to pull up and away.  I wrapped my legs over his shoulders and used my left foot on his right shoulder to push him back between my legs for some more licking.  This time took far less time for me to reach the high point and when I was about to go over the edge I simply said, "Fingers," and he plunged two deep inside me and at the same moment I could feel the inner muscles clutch those fingers.  I laid there afterwards as he started stirring, putting on sweats to take out the dog and get the paper, and the aftershocks over took me.  I had two more orgasms without ever being touched by him or my own self.

He says that part of it is that we've just been together too long.  Huh?  Six years is too long?  Together for six, married for four.  I really hate to think that being together this long is too long and is enough to take the magic out of our relationship.  I've always believed that any marriage can maintain its fire with just a little effort.  I'm tired of being the one to put in all the effort though - at least in the romance and passion department.  He does put effort into the relationship, sort of.  I cannot complain about everything he is or does.  He is incredibly supportive in many ways.  He has been here for me when there are a lot of people who would've walked away.  I am not an easy woman to love.  I am passionate in all things and that can be taxing on some people.  I am bipolar, that in and of itself is enough to drive even the sane to the brink of craziness.  I am opinionated.  I have a juvenile sense of humor most of the time.  I laugh when men are named "Dick".  I know, it is silly, but haven't most of us done that at some point?  Or at least chuckled inwardly?  I would never laugh in somebody's face over that.

Break 11:25 p.m.
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Begin again 11:40 p.m.

Hubby needed to go to bed.  That is one of the things we talked about.  We've gotten out of the habit of "putting each other to bed".  It used to be when he was ready, I would go in and snuggle or whatever; lately though he  hasn't even been telling me.  I just see his light go out through the vent between the office and our bedroom and I know he's gone to bed.  So I got our evening pills and snuggled with him for a while.  I cried some more.  I told him how much I love him and asked if we are okay.  He told me that everything is okay now.  I suppose that sometimes talking does do some good.  I've always been a believer in it.  He just tends to let things build up for too long and then it all comes spilling out at once.  I tend to verbalize my thoughts rather easily most of the time.  I haven't been too good about it lately, but I think that is because I've been trying to keep as much stress away from him as possible.  Maybe I was wrong in doing that, but my intentions were good.

I miss posting every day.  I haven't been very good about posting on any of my blogs in the last week or two.  I've been at a loss as to what to post where and time has not been on my side either.  If not business, then trying to write or become inspired to write.  If not car problems then running to volleyball games.  I have one girlfriend that I email back and forth with most weekdays at least once; she thought I fell off the face of the earth this week because she didn't really hear from me much.  It's just been too much effort and not enough time.  I've heard that Vox has added some things and made some changes, but I haven't even had a chance to check them out...I feel so removed from my online life.  I hate that feeling.

End time:  11:53 p.m.

Got this from a friend in email and I love it!!!