6 posts tagged “sex”
Oh my! I guess life has been a bit crazy for me. I didn't get my jeep back until Friday. Nearly a whole week without it...I hated being a one car family - although sometimes I think that would be good for us; at least financially. In the last 6 weeks I think we've racked up nearly $2K in automobile repairs. Thank goodness our mechanic lets us make payments on the work!!!
There has been much I've wanted to blog about and haven't had the time. I also haven't really been able to decide where to blog it at. My "real" identity; my sex blog or this blog, which is also "real" but not one where the whole world who knows me in real life can read about what is going on. I finally decided that this is the place to blog about what is going on. I may throw some details into one of the other blogs at some point; but some of it I just don't want to share with the entire world, yet I need to write about it and get it out of me so I can move on and deal with it. I'll be back later to finish this post...dinner is on the stove and I have to watch over that.
Stop time at 7:15 p.m.
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Starting again at 10:52 p.m.
I've been terribly unhappy in my marriage as of late. The differences are becoming increasingly difficult to deal with. Last weekend when we stopped at the state forest preserve on our way home from The Poet's, there were a couple of times that I just stopped in the middle of the trail, spread my arms open wide and inhaled deeply. I quietly listened to the sounds of the wind through the trees - it sounded almost like a waterfall. I found true solace and peace in those moments. Each time though, he wanted to rush me through the moment. I felt incredibly invaded upon and as if he just didn't understand what moments like that mean to me since they are so rare.
Our differences stem from every aspect of our lives. Politically, morally, how we were raised, how we believe children should be raised, how men should be and how women should be, sexual appetites, sexual fantasies - okay, almost everything sexual - choices in reading material, sleep schedules, which exercise is best for a person. You name it, we differ on it.
Last night we had the night to ourselves. This isn't incredibly extraordinary as TWH spends every other week with her Dad, but it was unique in that it was a Saturday night that we could take advantage of. I even told him to stay at the office until 10:30. I did tell him though that when he came home he should have his mind adjusted to passion and intimacy. Well, intimacy happened; not much passion though. It was disappointing to me and I shed a few tears because I can't touch him in ways that I would like to. He is incredibly ticklish and if the touch or kiss or lick doesn't tickle him, then it is "weird" in his opinion. I miss touching a man all over. Without consumating the night, he was snoring after about an hour of cuddling. I thought about masturbating, but I had been doing that all week and wasn't really interested in that last night. I wanted to be taken and had by my husband in ways that I haven't been for quite a while.
Mornings are usually good for sex around here; especially on weekends. We woke this morning and tried to start over. I was already upset about the previous night, but I really made the effort to work my way through those feelings. But he wasn't responding to me and quite honestly my body wasn't responding to him either. I wanted it to, desperately. I finally pulled away from him and he could see the tears welling up in my eyes. I asked if he was punishing me again. He does use sex as a weapon. And I thought that was a woman's tool; although I myself have never used it. He told me that he wasn't; but that it was hard for him to be sexual with me when he is almost always angry at our situation. He told me all the things he is angry about: finances; our differences; his work. The man is easiy distracted and I try very hard to keep the problems of home away from him so that he does not lose his focus on work. His job is already in jeopardy and he really needs to put his energies into that. I tried to explain that to him. He feels like we never talk anymore. How can we talk when he works so many hours? He told me that sometimes he thinks we would be better apart. I told him that I thought that sometimes too. It's true. I do. I think in some ways we would both be happier. But, as I told him, there is something that won't let us be apart - a strong and abiding love for one another that just won't let go. I told him all the reasons that I am angry with him as well: I often always feel as if I am being judged by him for everything I say and/or do; our sex life; that he cannot accept that we are different and live with those differences rather than always trying to change who I am; that we cannot have a conversation about the things I need to talk about with him, the things that are important to me without his work being brought into it or some obscure thought like, "I really need to take a picture of the corn field" coming from his mouth while I am trying to express myself and have a conversation about what really matters in life, or at least to me. How can I want to talk to him when it always revolves around his work and never about me or us or just life?
I cried a lot. I had woken up with a killer sinus headache and the crying only made it worse. The conversation was both painful and cathartic. I don't know if the talk will make any difference in how we appreciate and view one another. But the lovemaking afterwards was pretty damn good. Make up sex is always amazing.
As he entered me, he had a nipple in his mouth and my lips were kissing his tiny ears; my arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders. I could feel his hairy chest moving against my own smooth breasts as he brought his mouth to mine to kiss me. I love when he kisses me while he is inside of me. There is definitely something to be said for the missionary position. He began kissing my neck and while I longed deeply for him to use more tongue and lick some, I didn't have the courage to ask as we were "making up". Still, I had a gentle, but powerful, orgasm. It wasn't long before he had his own and when he finished, he began working his way down my body. I told him he didn't have to do that. Licking the kitty is not his favorite thing to do. And to be honest, he isn't the best at it. He is the type of man to go straight for the hot button and is not much on tempting and teasing. But when he did stray I made sure to make a moan and soon enough he had me rising up to meet his mouth and grabbing ahold of the headboard. As I started to come down, he started to pull up and away. I wrapped my legs over his shoulders and used my left foot on his right shoulder to push him back between my legs for some more licking. This time took far less time for me to reach the high point and when I was about to go over the edge I simply said, "Fingers," and he plunged two deep inside me and at the same moment I could feel the inner muscles clutch those fingers. I laid there afterwards as he started stirring, putting on sweats to take out the dog and get the paper, and the aftershocks over took me. I had two more orgasms without ever being touched by him or my own self.
He says that part of it is that we've just been together too long. Huh? Six years is too long? Together for six, married for four. I really hate to think that being together this long is too long and is enough to take the magic out of our relationship. I've always believed that any marriage can maintain its fire with just a little effort. I'm tired of being the one to put in all the effort though - at least in the romance and passion department. He does put effort into the relationship, sort of. I cannot complain about everything he is or does. He is incredibly supportive in many ways. He has been here for me when there are a lot of people who would've walked away. I am not an easy woman to love. I am passionate in all things and that can be taxing on some people. I am bipolar, that in and of itself is enough to drive even the sane to the brink of craziness. I am opinionated. I have a juvenile sense of humor most of the time. I laugh when men are named "Dick". I know, it is silly, but haven't most of us done that at some point? Or at least chuckled inwardly? I would never laugh in somebody's face over that.
Break 11:25 p.m.
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Begin again 11:40 p.m.
Hubby needed to go to bed. That is one of the things we talked about. We've gotten out of the habit of "putting each other to bed". It used to be when he was ready, I would go in and snuggle or whatever; lately though he hasn't even been telling me. I just see his light go out through the vent between the office and our bedroom and I know he's gone to bed. So I got our evening pills and snuggled with him for a while. I cried some more. I told him how much I love him and asked if we are okay. He told me that everything is okay now. I suppose that sometimes talking does do some good. I've always been a believer in it. He just tends to let things build up for too long and then it all comes spilling out at once. I tend to verbalize my thoughts rather easily most of the time. I haven't been too good about it lately, but I think that is because I've been trying to keep as much stress away from him as possible. Maybe I was wrong in doing that, but my intentions were good.
I miss posting every day. I haven't been very good about posting on any of my blogs in the last week or two. I've been at a loss as to what to post where and time has not been on my side either. If not business, then trying to write or become inspired to write. If not car problems then running to volleyball games. I have one girlfriend that I email back and forth with most weekdays at least once; she thought I fell off the face of the earth this week because she didn't really hear from me much. It's just been too much effort and not enough time. I've heard that Vox has added some things and made some changes, but I haven't even had a chance to check them out...I feel so removed from my online life. I hate that feeling.
End time: 11:53 p.m.
So I was up until about 3:30 again. I got wrapped up in sorting out all the papers that I had in piles on my office floor. Now they are still in piles, but they are organized piles. One with mail that needs to be opened; one with stories from other writers that I need to put in my writing sample binder; one for my memory box; magazines; etc. I was up by about 9:30, but I stayed in bed cuddling with the dog. She is just the snuggliest thing!!! She certainly makes it hard to get out of bed when she is being so cuddly. Once I was up I spent about 2 hours going through backed up email and RSS feeds. I think I have about 55 or so tabs open in Firefox with sites and things that I still need to read and go through. I stopped by the client's office and his computer is fine. If he'd just stop using that fucking AOL software he'd be better off. I can't talk him into losing it though. After I got home, I had a bite to eat; did the dishes; started a load of laundry and cleaned the rest of the house. Whew! It's about time I got that done. It is amazing the dust bunnies that collect on our steps from all the animals, we also have 2 cats. I am now bathed and just waiting on my friend to get here. I haven't heard from her, so I am just assuming that she is running late. I suppose I could go and check AIM to see if she is online or left me a message there, but if I do that I am sure that one person or another will get me caught up in conversation and as long as I am waiting on my friend I can be productive. Hope all of you are having a good day!
Oh yeah! I didn't get any sex this morning. *pout* He slept until almost 8:30 and then had to rush to get to the office. *sigh* I need some sex. A really, really down and dirty sexual encounter!!!
I have been wanting to blog for days now! Or at least what seems like days. I just checked and I did make a post yesterday; but I didn't have time to respond to or make comments. I did that tonight though.
Yesterday, the Jeep had to go in for more service. Between mine and Hubby's vehicles, we've had over $1100 in repairs in the past two weeks. That sucks! I did a little of the cleaning I had put off while The Poet was home. I still have much more to do. My office is a disaster. The rest just needs a quick dust and swiffer! I worked on the laundry. My dryer is broken and with the car repairs there is no way I can afford to get it fixed or replace it. So I bought a drying rack and hung a line in the basement. It works just fine for me and I don't really mind it. I also got my own website yesterday, but I have to still set it up. Once I've got it up and running I'll let you all know what it is! You can be certain it will be naughty!!! I'll likely use it for my writing...I'm trying to get a bit more serious about it and it makes sense to me to have my own site rather than using LJ to post my erotica - although I may also maintain that as a way of linking to the site for those that are regulars there.
Today I had to go to the client's office - I do that 2 or 3 times a week usually. I got an email from him tonight and I am going to have to head over there tomorrow and see if I can't figure out why he keeps getting emails about viruses and worms. I'll have to run his anti-virus program to see what is up...he usually cancels his updates because he doesn't realize he can keep working while they are running. Frustrating! He is also haveing monitor problems and we will likely have to replace it. Pity because is it only a year or so old. Out of warranty though.
The Walking Hormone had a volleyball game today. The "A" team won and the "B" team lost. She plays on the "B" team. I felt bad for her and she was really upset about the loss. She did make a couple of significant errors though. She also made some good hits. Hubby was home tonight. It's the first night he's been home and in bed before 3:30 a.m. He's got several projects going on at the office and they are all happening NOW. His being gone wreaks havoc on my sleep cycle. I have a hard time going to bed when I know he is going to be that late. Last night I tried to stay up for him, but I fell to sleep about 3:15. He doesn't like me to stay up anyway; he worries about how it affects my bipolar. I have to admit though that while I love having him home, I have really enjoyed having the house to myself the past few days. It is nice to feel like I can do my thing without worrying about somebody needing something.
I've always been a night owl. Ever since I can remember I've been more productive and creative at night. I guess I am lucky that I am self-employed and can pretty much make my own schedule, within a certain amount of reason. It means I don't have to be up before 9 or 10 most days. I can remember a time when I could get up at 6 a.m. to head to work and then go out afterwards and party until the wee hours only to get up and do it all over again. I can't do that anymore!!! I need my sleep now...I just get it at a later time than most.
Tomorrow I really need to finish up the cleaning. I have a friend coming over to watch movies in the late afternoon and do some girl talk. I am really looking forward to it. I"m not certain what we are going to watch yet; she is bringing a few to choose from. And let's not forget the client. AND I also have to do the monthly financial reports for my other client. *sigh* If I ever get around to keeping up with my own personal finances it will be a miracle!
While I was at the volleyball game today I went through some submission requests to figure out which ones I wanted to work on and which didn't fit what I want to write right now or just wasn't interested in for some reason. There are 3 that I would like to submit to that are due within the next 10 days. I think I can pull it off if I can get things around here organized tomorrow - and talk Hubby and The Walking Hormone into leaving me alone to do my writing!!! When my lovely youngest daughter is home, she tends to be quite needy in the way of attention. It makes it really hard to write or do anything for that matter. So on the weeks that she is not here I am left to play catch up on what I didn't get done when she was home. It makes it really hard to stay sane...oh wait...I was already certifiable! Back to the writing. The 3 submissions: Variety of themes; 2000 to 4000 words. I already have a story written that I would like ot use for this one and need to just do a bit of editing and cleaning up. Hot winter/holiday that'll melt the snow! 5000 to 12000 words. I have great thoughts on this one. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I do lots of decorating for it, so I can definitely make up some wonderful Christmas-time erotica!!! Non-fiction; personal essay. Love: Now that I Really Know What it is. 3000 to 5000 words. This should be a relatively easy one for me because Hubby has brought so much love into my life. He really is the first person I've ever completely trusted and the only one to truly break the walls around my heart and soul. The sexuality is supposed to be PG-13. Hmph!
And one last thing...I really need some good sex! Hubby did okay over the weekend, but tomorrow is hump day *giggle* and so it is time. I told him he should wake me up in the morning. I'd be happy to wake up long enough for a bit of nookie. I can go back to sleep afterwards.
Sweet dreams all!
I am doing quite the happy dance. I finally got me some good lovin' from hubby! It was 1:30 before I climbed into bed and I knew he had the alarm set for quite early (3 a.m.). When he went to bed I made him promise to wake me up when his alarm went off so he could have his my way with me.
When I finally went to bed, I was only able to drift in and out of sleep and it was very eroticized because I was looking forward to that wake up booty call! I'd fall to sleep and then wake up a little later with my hands carressing my own boobs or my hand down my pants. LOL Isn't that funny? When he finally quit hitting the snooze button at 4:15 we engaged in a bit of lesbian fantasy talk to get him going and I must admit it got me going too, not that I needed any help. Foreplay didn't last long as the fantasy really got him going, but I must say that he made sure to make the actual fuck nice and slow and as my orgasm built, I sped him up until he came moaning into my mouth as he was kissing me. God I love when that happens. When he finished, even though I'd already had quite an orgasm or two, I suggested that he keep working his way down my body. And that he did. The whiskers of his goatee and moustache lightly scratched along my ribs and stomach, tickling as he kissed his way down to the oasis! And when his mouth made it to my secret garden, well for once he didn't go right for the bud. I am still wet because I can't stop thinking about what a fabulous job he did of bringing me off with his tongue!
Sooooooooo...after we finished and got some really good snuggling in, he got ready for the office and I layed in bed for a bit more. Once he was back in the bedroom to get dressed, I was wide awake. I know I am going to live to regret the lack of sleep, but it is so worth it!!!
I think it downright sucks!
I am learning through the trials and tribulations of life that you can never have it all. I am one of those who wants it all. I want love, friendship and passion all rolled up into one relationship. I have found that in the past I had love and passion or love or passion, sometimes friendship. Now I have love and friendship. I can't seem to get all three though. Why is that?
I love my husband! He is everything and then some to me. He is my soulmate. He is the love of my life and my best friend. But he is not the most passionate man on earth. Admittedly, I am not an easy woman to love. I am more emotional than most - of course, being bipolar does tend to lend a hand to that. LOL
It just seems to me though that we, meaning everybody, should be able to have the whole package rolled into one. It doesn't work that way though and I am slowly coming to accept that. I certainly am not happy about that though. What does that mean though? I certainly do not want to give up what I have; nor do I intend to. I don't really want to step outside the bounds of my marriage either. Although I think if he gave me permission, I probably would.
Passion is incredibly important to me - in all facets of life. For the sake of simplicity though, let's keep this passion to sex! I have an incredibly strong appetite for delight. *giggle* Sorry...couldn't resist. For me sex is like breathing.
We got into a huge argument tonight about sex, or the lack thereof, and he said to me, "Well you orgasmed twice in the last two days!" *cough* "Yeah, I masturbaed with the damn vibrator." It's not the same thing as touching, kissing, whispering, moaning, nibbling, fucking, tasting and feeling another person. There isn't the interaction of another person involved in masturbation. Masturbation is great...don't get me wrong, I love it. But I much prefer to feel the hands of another person against my skin.
What does it take to create a great passion in someone who does not feel much passion? Is it even possible? If it is not possible, then how do I fulfill my needs without giving up what I have now? Is it crazy to even conceive of having it all?
What is your favorite way to relieve stress?
That's an easy one!!! SEX BABY! SEX! There is nothing better than a fast and hard orgasm to relieve tension.
